Where I stood.

I think I’ve found that polar opposite to codependence. I think I’ve been looking for it for 15 years or so and I’ve come to find it and we’re like old lovers lying in each other’s arms.

I can close my metaphoric eyes and find myself in that moment, where you step away from that relationship- that experience which so proudly moved you to change who you are- the way you look at a true partnership. That moment when he stood in front of the building sobbing and my empathy wanted me to stay so badly and cure his pain, while inversely increasing mine. But something greater inside me kicked in, some sixth sense about moving on with your life, with not having the same argument again. We’ve said it all. This is where we walk away and take our losses and eat the money and the humiliation and just let this beast die while we can both get out alive.
Some of you had the disgustingly unfair benefit of having one of those insanely perfect first loves, or first serious relationship, where you just found the right time to step away from each other and it made sense and it was pure, just like the way you fell in love. I’ve had that too. Just not before the shit relationship that dements you. And then forces you into remembering who you are- what you deserve. It gives you the tools to find your footing.

At this point in my young adult life I’m so glad to have already processed and worked through those painful missteps. I won’t do it when I’m 40. I’ve not just learned the lesson, I took it to heart. I walked through- slowly, painfully, sometimes excoriating, will-testing moments of doubt and loneliness and braved the open sky again. I’m not in a position to put children through that, or do it with the weight of 40 years, so for that- I’m grateful. It’s the little victories, no?

Now I find myself many years later, having never made the same mistake again.
Made mistakes.
Many.
Still doing well at that.
But not that mistake.
That’s the kind of shit you only have to do once to know better. I do. I know better. So much better, as a matter of fact, that I seek nothing outside myself, which is not as healthy as we hope self-sufficiency to be. The mistake or misstep is that it’s good to want and need others.
It’s the balance.
I haven’t struck it.
I feel myself still dancing, still dancing.
still.