sigh.

The silence is a lie.

Meh.

I've been feeling overlooked recently, by family, by my friends. Lots of changes but everything feels stagnant for me and does not feel fulfilling. SO, as I stated in my past post, it's time for some changes. Time to step out of the box that is my comfort zone.

There are several things on the agenda. Details to come.

As for this Monday, REALLY happy to be home for a spell before embarking on a two week work trip.

Ok, Great Spirit, I need you. A lot.

Time Passing

Needs to work on myself.

Messed up.

I messed up good this time. Opened my mouth and shared secrets. Hurt a friend, but asking myself now, why would I have done that? Which can only mean I need to spend time reflecting on why I opened my big-ass mouth.

In any event, like most dumb moments, you have to accept it. Apologize and do better next time.

a little bit of my truth

Sometimes I think too much. (read: always.)

So I always find more to say. I'm sure that's true for everyone. Given a clear head, a week of good nights sleep's and my medication everyday, I'm an expert at what to say in every conversation. Stupid Hindsight being 20/20 and shit. HOW useless is that? Thank you for NOTHING, Hindsight. NOTHING.

Anyway, so there is always more to say. And yet I'm learning, maybe not. Maybe it's good some things stay hidden. I hate that being the case, but there are so many things I'm learning to accept that I hate that I might as well give this crappy reality a shot of existing.

I keep repeating to myself that, "the truth lives forever." Which I staunchly believe. You can tell people otherwise, you can convince yourself or anyone, but the truth stands there, staring at you. Existing beyond your control. You can pretend and ignore and shut it out, but the truth does not change. It might be the only things in the entire existence of a human that doesn't change. In the instant it exists, the truth is very clear, moment to moment and situation to situation.

So I lean back on that. I feel like I rest against it; the truth. I feel like it's the only thing I can depend on in a contrived world.

Topics

As if I need a topic, I reason to purge the inside of my thoughts, which often, sound quite honest when I put them down for anyone to read. I don't need a topic. I need courage.

And I feel it coming up, from the depths of so much silence for far too long.

Something I know for sure

Here's what I know. Whatever it is, whether you like it or not,
you get through it.

And when you don't, you're not through it.

Burn marks

Every time your name pops up, it's like you've left me again
Standing here with this heart full of feelings and a dial tone

And I don't want to reach out and touch you
I'm still stinging from the last time

But every year at this time you find me
I'm a right back where I was

Standing here with my this heart full of feelings and a dial tone

And all I want is you

But I've learned to let go of things

So I put those feelings down everyday

forced and awkard

I have nothing to blog about but I have to get back in the habit because apparently it's good for me. I hate feeling obligated to do anything; something I am working to overcome so let's call this little forced and awkward post "baby step #1."

I better feel better after this. :)

Fake it til you make it.

The house plant, I am so proud to have nutured from a small babe to a beautiful, stretching goddess has fungus. I can tell; the dirt is weird and fuzzy. Of course I'm not touching it, I'm just saying. It's definitely fungus. And whether she knows it or not, it's not going away. I've got to get it treated because she is mine to care for.

So, as a SWF who is to care for me? I mean seriously, what am I? Some sort of 30 year old baby that should wear life alert connected to my parents house in case I've fallen and I can't get up? This is no one's fault, including my own. I am not after a definition of happiness, I'm just after happiness. Just letting it come... and I'm sure when I look back on these years of my life they will seem busy but while I'm living them, I certainly do not get that sense.

I think my own METAPHORICAL ONLY "fungus" is my energy. It's not negative, it's not anything. And so I've got the do-nothing fungus and you know what I say about bitching about stuff you aren't willing to change...?

Lock it up.

The following Monday

My mom has asked me to open my heart, so I'm going to try.

Any given Monday.

I still pray for the strength to get through the day without a crutch.
Every, single day.

And I don't blame anyone.
I'd rather not even look up.

but the test of any great relationship is perseverance.

So see you next Monday.