I wrote this when I was mad at work.

You want assurances, and let me tell you something, the world doesn't offer that. You don't get to choose an option that doesn't exist. You get right now. This second is your life. What you do with it? That's your fate. But the experience owes you nothing and certainly not any assurances that its going to be anything but what you make it.

The Year of Taking Chances

I said to myself this would be the year of taking chances. And in many ways it has been. I worked for 9 months with a therapist to sharpen my skills of self. I bared my soul, was lost in grief and found again. Death as I have come to realize in my 30's, is the final ending to infinite possibility and that's heart wrenching. But it's also allows for a rebirth if you let it. I decided I'd take my chances with my adventures and my heart. I traveled far away to see friends I felt needed me and learned about myself more than I would have guessed. I made impulsive decisions and allowed myself to be vulnerable a scared, two things I'm really really bad at. But this was the year of taking chances. And as my best friend reminds me, there is no use for a heart if you don't use it. But the rise and fall of love has always been so heavy on my heart that it stops me from taking chances.
So 2014 was about that. I could not have guessed that when 2013 was ending, but here I am, nearly some with 2014 and I made it.

Confidence

There's a misconception about people with confidence. Confidence is believing in yourself, your value and your place in the world. Confidence is believing the universe makes no mistakes. The universe just exists, it's us who create expectation and therein lies the seed of all disappointment. The universe doesn't give one tiny shit about your expectations. Those are about you. Create by you, for you.
Confidence is not about always knowing the answer, it's about being unafraid to throw your opinion or your hat in the ring. It's about a willingness to put yourself on the line and even if you're wrong, not being broken by that. Madonna is quoted as saying "power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it." I could not agree more. Confidence is knowing that with or without the kind of love you dream about- you're going to be ok. I doubt myself all the time, I constantly second guess myself, but I know it's going to be ok. I know that even when you think there's no way you're going to get through something, you do. You can. Surviving is an option even during the darkest night. And that's confidence.

Marriage and middle age.

Here's what they don't tell you; it's ok if you don't get married. It's really, truly, ok. It's ok if you don't want to, it's ok if you think you do and you don't meet someone compatible, it's ok if you try and it fails. All of that is ok. Literally. It. Is. Ok. In fact, omg, wait for it... It's normal.
No she didn't say that!
Yes, I did.
And it's true.
It's also ok that you feel like marriage and partnership are destined to be part of your life. We are happy for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for the women who aren't or don't want to be currently in a marriage and are wondering if they are somehow unfeminine, gay, a loser, or mentally ill and nobody has bothered to tell them. This is for the women that want to make sure they are ok for not being married.
Women of Earth: it's ok.
It's totally normal and there is an enormous group of us. And my biggest piece of advice would be this: stop fucking worrying about it. Stop trying to make everyone around you comfortable by pretending you also feel disenfranchised for being single and happy about it. Stop that, gurl. It's ok to be stoked about your life.
Don't feel guilty you spend your money on shoes, or handbags, or vacations, or make up, or change your hair every 8 weeks- it is awesome to be single and to tend to yourself.
And if you find that you're ready to change your mind...
That's fine too. That's normal.

Again and again

They come back; when you're good they always come back.  

The heartache is the space between.