Weekend

this weekend was like seeing an ex boyfriend

Not the kind of ex boyfriend that makes you mad and reminds you of why you left him.
This weekend was like seeing the ex boyfriend you had to break up with and it was a hard breakup and you realize you're going to start seeing that boyfriend again, and you're not sure who is gonna break up with who.

So you cry when you're not with him.

Because either way it's gonna be painful and it's going to cost you tears.
And there are no promises.
There are no perfect circles.

Mid March - Mid Life

The last few weeks/ months have been incredible; painful, surprising, humiliating & honest.
I so wish growth came in laughter, but only rarely does.
Last few days/ week I've been with Enzo & Willa. They reset me & remind me of the journey. 💕
Luckiest Lady around.

I want to emotionally vomit in this reflection. I want to purge the worry, anger, rebellion, confusion, bullshit, sadness, rage, and fear into this blog. I want to peel these feelings off me and shed them like dry skin.
But that's not an option.
As I age I realize I am acutely aware of the choices. Often, none of the choices are good.
So here I am, in all those feelings. Questioning, stewing, wondering, wallowing.
And then Life, with its unrelenting realism slaps me in the face with problems so much larger than my own.
And I'm trivial.
And it's all trivial.
And that's supposed to be enough.

Solomon

Solomon woke me up every night between 415am and 645am to be fed. Sometimes, whether he needed it or not. That was our schedule. 

Last night, January 26 2014 was the first night I've ever spent in my home without him. We have spent nights apart but if I am at our house, he is there. No exceptions. Not until last night, hours following his departure. 

It's the night after now and I still don't know how to get ready for bed without him. I hate being in this house. His house. Surrounded by everything we loved together. I hate it here. I hate it and I long to stay here and never leave so that his hair and breath and life never leaves me. 

I miss my baby. My boy. So brave. My Solomon. I miss you. I miss you. I love you. I have always loved you. And I will love you until I meet you in the place beyond our eyes, my love. My only love. Only. 

I wrote this when I was mad at work.

You want assurances, and let me tell you something, the world doesn't offer that. You don't get to choose an option that doesn't exist. You get right now. This second is your life. What you do with it? That's your fate. But the experience owes you nothing and certainly not any assurances that its going to be anything but what you make it.

The Year of Taking Chances

I said to myself this would be the year of taking chances. And in many ways it has been. I worked for 9 months with a therapist to sharpen my skills of self. I bared my soul, was lost in grief and found again. Death as I have come to realize in my 30's, is the final ending to infinite possibility and that's heart wrenching. But it's also allows for a rebirth if you let it. I decided I'd take my chances with my adventures and my heart. I traveled far away to see friends I felt needed me and learned about myself more than I would have guessed. I made impulsive decisions and allowed myself to be vulnerable a scared, two things I'm really really bad at. But this was the year of taking chances. And as my best friend reminds me, there is no use for a heart if you don't use it. But the rise and fall of love has always been so heavy on my heart that it stops me from taking chances.
So 2014 was about that. I could not have guessed that when 2013 was ending, but here I am, nearly some with 2014 and I made it.

Confidence

There's a misconception about people with confidence. Confidence is believing in yourself, your value and your place in the world. Confidence is believing the universe makes no mistakes. The universe just exists, it's us who create expectation and therein lies the seed of all disappointment. The universe doesn't give one tiny shit about your expectations. Those are about you. Create by you, for you.
Confidence is not about always knowing the answer, it's about being unafraid to throw your opinion or your hat in the ring. It's about a willingness to put yourself on the line and even if you're wrong, not being broken by that. Madonna is quoted as saying "power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it." I could not agree more. Confidence is knowing that with or without the kind of love you dream about- you're going to be ok. I doubt myself all the time, I constantly second guess myself, but I know it's going to be ok. I know that even when you think there's no way you're going to get through something, you do. You can. Surviving is an option even during the darkest night. And that's confidence.